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Pregnancy & Kids!
Perhaps you are wondering whether now is the right time to start a family? Or maybe you are already actively trying?
My story is one of despair, hope, loss, sadness, longing and finally joy
Five years ago my husband and I decided it was “time to start a family”. We had talked about it since we got married the year earlier but wanted to give ourselves some time together. We both had stable jobs and were in our 30's. We were ready.
We thought it would be easy. After all, we’d put so much effort into not getting pregnant over the last number of years! and after all no one in my family seemed to have any trouble with it.
We enthusiastically started on our mission.
We were both convinced that it would happen quickly. After all, why shouldn't it? So after the 1st month of no luck I thought oh well it will happen next month. But it took 5 months before anything. It was April when we found out I was pregnanct and I was looking forward to the 9 months ahead.
6 weeks later I was in hospital with bleeding. The doctor said 2 things that I will remember forever - 'It's not the right size and I can't find a heart beat'.
We were totally devastated and I cried for weeks. To this day my husband and I have talked about it twice.
We started trying again - We told ourselves that it would happen when the time was right, and continued our efforts in earnest.
It was only later (years later) that I discovered that many of the things we were doing at this stage were actively preventing us from conceiving and carrying a child.
After 12 months of frustration, the situation was starting to affect our relationship. I was moody and short tempered. I seemed to be frequently on the verge of tears, especially if I was out shopping and saw a pregnant woman, or one of the endless number of strollers and prams with a cute baby or toddler on board.
What was I doing wrong? How come all these other women could do it and I couldn’t? What was wrong with me?
I started to feel guilty - could I not carry a baby? Maybe I should leave my job - was I too stressed at work?
And I started to blame my husband. What if he was “shooting blanks”? Would it undermine his masculinity if he found out? Would he even go for the test?
Eventually we got all these feelings of resentment and fear out in the open. We had a long heart to heart talk, and decided we needed to get some answers.
I’d been putting off going to the OB-GYN for fear of what I’d be told. I had a friend who’d been going through IVF (unsuccessfully) and the thought of going through the same thing terrified me.
So my husband had his sperm count tested. I had an ultrasound and some blood tests to check for endometriosis or other physical problems, as well as hormonal or other physiological causes.
The results, when they came back, were more frustrating that ever: (the doctor phoned me while I was trying on clothes in a shop changing room!) there was no physical, physiological, or biochemical reason we shouldn’t be able to conceive. We, like many couples, had what was termed “non-specific infertility”. In other words the experts didn’t have a clue. They suggested we “de-stress” and “have more sex”.
But sex was no longer much fun. It was something we did at the right time because my temperature graph said I was ovulating. Afterwards we’d talk quietly about our fading hopes. We’d try and look on the bright side—just think about all the money we’d save by not having kids. And we’d be able to travel, and go to restaurants whenever we wanted to, and buy a sports car. Who were we kidding? Often after sex we’d just lie together and I would cry until I fell asleep.
After 11/2 years of hope fading to frustration, fading to sadness and emptiness, I knew I had to do something....but what?
I was obsessed. So we decided to stop having sex. This meant that I could get my head around the fact that I WAS NOT pregnant and I tried so hard not to count the days of the month! 3 months later we had sex out of love and pleasure - the first time I would say in over 2 years - and guess what ... 9 months later we had the first of our beautiful baby girls! Since then we have had another beautiful baby girl and they are angels without wings!
I wanted to tell you my story to give you hope - never loose the dream.
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